The Monster Within

In my book, the main character Mollie talks with her high school friend, Angie, about 'fighting cruel'. Angie misunderstands her, at first, until Mollie clarifies that she is not talking about dealing with others' cruelty but with her own. Angie is shocked because, as far as she's concerned Mollie is perfect in every way. But it's not about outer behavior but inner.

Many who behave to the world at large in a benign and understated manner, constantly act out cruel in their imagination. In their minds they kick the cat, gripe at the cashier, snipe at their significant others, smash the phone down on tele-callers or slam the door on Jehovah's Witnesses. But they never do this in reality. Those 'brave' enough do this, do this. Those who fight the 'monster within' suffer unduly because they refuse to act on these baser desires even though situations arise where it might be warranted.

Mollie tells Angie she feels she is stronger than her supercilious husband, his bitchy lover and others who act out unkind behaviors and then neatly justify them after. She is aware that she is secretly mocked for being passive-aggressive but also knows she maintains an edge over others because she never gives way, would rather suffer inwardly than have to live with the effects of cruelty.

Since this is something many of us have wrestled with, struggling to evolve in this life, I decided to include it as one of the themes in my book. Because, don't we wonder if it's worth it to constantly fight our cruelty, to even bypass the chance of on-the-spot verbal retaliation with no real tangible or intangible reward? What's the payoff? None really but it still begs the big question: how would we feel afterward? Will acting or re-acting cruel be another burden to bear tomorrow and the day after and so on? Momentarily we may kick ourselves silly for missing the chance of a sarcastic slam followed by the superior afterglow but then what? We still have to look in the mirror every day, take stock, never justify. And yes,I've learned that the enemy of truth is self-justification.

Later in the book, Mollie pictures herself tweaking another woman's breast, or pushing over an old person and wonders what that would be like, doing it and what would be the reaction. She thinks that's what dementia and Alzheimer's is all about; finally the gate flies open and we stampede crazy, like cattle being let out of the pen. Free to say anything we want, to shed our clothes and run the streets, kick someone who irritates us or doesn't irritate us, to ignore our family members, to call them nasty names or hum loudly through a movie. All these impulses finally released. And our justification is that we're old and/or crazy. Wow.

There must be a balance, though. Perhaps instead of blasting someone or swallowing the anger and suffering inwardly, we can respond as calmly and truthfully as possible. By telling the JW's that sorry, you are not interested and have a nice day and the same with the telemarketers. As to family and friends, I've actually learned how to toss the ball in their court by asking them an honest question. One example is, "Are you trying to hurt my feelings?" or "How important is it for you to be right?" or "Look, do you think this is the time to discuss something like this, when one of us is feeling a bit volatile/sensitive/touchy/out of sorts?" You'd be surprised at the honest response you'd get, and how many would actually apologize, back off and even re-examine their motives. Because it is all about motives and agendas.

And what's in charge of self-serving agendas? Our egos. The engine driving the monster.